Coach Boone: Will you ever quit?
Team: No! We want some mo’, we want some mo’, we want some mo’! – “Remember the Titans”
We drove north into the heart of the Ozarks last Saturday for an encounter with some Rebels. It was a dark and stormy day.
Sorry, but I’ve always wanted to use that famous line, which I’ve slightly tweaked. The phrase was the opening sentence of the 1830 novel, “Paul Clifford,” written by English author, Edward Bulwer-Lytton. It’s a form known as “purple prose,” which is defined as “extravagant, ornate, or flowery; as to break the flow and draw excessive attention to itself.” But that’s what I have KM for.
Writer’s Digest described the famous sentence as “the literary poster child for bad story starters.” The American Book Review disagreed, ranking it No. 22 on its, “Best first lines from novels” list.
Anyway, you get the picture; it was dark, and definitely stormy. But we drove on, north on Interstate 49, destination Razorback Stadium and, as luck would have it, indoor seats.
Somewhere near Westfork, somebody remembered another similar trip at about the same spot, where we rounded a curve only to see a car, driven by a little old lady, coming right for us. She was oblivious to yielding, proper direction, and, most importantly, signs that read, “WRONG WAY!”
KM screamed and hid her face in my shoulder, not willing to witness first hand our impending, fiery head-on doom. But I looked, and saw the face of the driver coming toward us, who quickly transformed from a Norman Rockwell grandmother into John Candy, as the laughing devil-driver in “Planes Trains and Automobiles” (YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! How do they know which way we’re going?)
Grandma just missed us, as the split seconds took us one step further from death. The next day there were no headlines of tragedy on the highway, so, hopefully, the little old lady became a little older lady.
On this calmer trip, we arrived in Fayetteville and dropped off the girls, KM, and LA (Lisa Adele), as close as the authorities would allow. MF (Mother’s Favorite, a.k.a. Bob) and I went in search of a parking spot, which we found on Virginia Street, about a half a block from Bud Walton.
We popped the umbrellas and one last CL (Coors Lite) and began the walk up Stadium Drive.
We got inside and found the elevator, and soon saw the girls. I went for food, finding a hot dog and some popcorn, which KM devoured while I ate my dog. So I went back, and got the beef brisket sandwich and some chips; then back a little later for ice cream; and then one last time for one last dog. Just because we have a losing SEC record doesn’t mean we have to starve ourselves in pity.
The third quarter came and we led 20-0, with Ole Miss moving the ball. KM didn’t understand why I was so nervous and I reminded her of Rice coming from three touchdowns behind in the fourth quarter, and when Jay Cutler threw a TD pass for a Vandy victory on the last play; and of all those too numerous to count Longhorn heartbreakers.
But then Rohan Gaines intercepted at the goal line and 100 yards later I felt certain of a victory – well, almost.
We left when it was 30-0; the second straight shut out over a feared SEC West rival and the first ever NCAA non-ranked team to ever shut out two ranked teams in the same season.
Jay Edwards is editor-in-chief of the Hamilton County Herald and an award-winning columnist.
Contact him at jedwards@dailydata.com