I got another one of those emails Tuesday regarding the Nigerian who wants to give me lots of money. This was from a lady; I’ll call her Bonnie. Anyway, she begins the letter to me, and the “Undisclosed recipients,” with “Attn. My Dear,” which really touched me.
Bonnie says she lives in Florida and that she is 51, old enough to know better and young enough to be pre-dementia. She says that she is thinking of relocating, now that she is rich, which struck me as funny because when I finally get my cut of the the Nigerian lottery, Florida will be my first stop.
Bonnie went on to tell me that when she made her payments of over $20,000, required to get the bigger bucks, the Nigerians refused to compensate her. Shocking!
So she did what any of us would have done. She packed her bags and flew to Nigeria.
Once there, Bonnie skipped the sightseeing, or at least she didn’t mention anything about it. Now me, if I go all the way to Nigeria, I will have to check out Zuma Rock, one of the world’s great monoliths, which juts out of the earth near the capital of Abuja. But Bonnie was in a hurry to get to the bank, I guess.
She had all of her compensation documents in order and had gotten instructions, from someone, to meet a barrister named George Alex, a member of the Compensation Award Committee. Sounds legitimate to me.
Bonnie contacted him and he explained everything to her. He also said whoever is contacting us through emails are fake. Thanks goodness for people like Bonnie and the barrister.
Now, Bonnie writes, “I am the most happiest woman on Earth because I have received my compensation funds of $1,500,000.”
But here’s the best part. Bonnie apparently has a heart of gold to match her new pocketbook. It seems that while filling out her paperwork, Barrister Alex shared with her the list of all of the other beneficiaries who have yet to receive their own Nigerian windfall. And Eureka! My email is on that list!
So it looks like I will be heading to the Dark Continent this Thanksgiving.
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Down by the river: Is it just me or does the crack-smoking mayor to the north resemble Chris Farley? I can just see the skit with Farley as Ford, rivaling other “SNL” greats like Carvey as Perot (“World Class”), Hartman as Clinton (“You going to finish those fries?”), and Fey as Palin (“You betcha!”).
Fingered: In Arizona, a bad heist got worse for a guy when the big spool of copper cable he was trying to steal sliced off the end of his finger. Police were able to extricate a good print from the dropped digit, which led them to its owner, Joshua Goverman, who is nursing his new wound in jail.
Slow read: A man in Texas was put in jail for not bringing back a library book he checked out back in 2010. It was a GED study guide. Not sure how the test came out. This happened in Copperas Cove, where they obviously don’t play. It reminded me of the “Seinfeld” episode when Jerry was in trouble for checking out “Tropic of Cancer” in 1971 and never returning it. Kramer figured that at a dime a day the fine was up to $100,000.
Jerry: What’s your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What’s my problem? Punks like you, that’s my problem. And you’d better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I’ll be all over you like a Pit Bull on a Poodle.
Jerry: That is one tough monkey.