Editorial
Front Page - Friday, December 17, 2010
Are we there yet?
Shop 'till you drop
Jay Edwards
“I’ve been watching women in the department stores. They’re trying on clothes, and I’ve noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don’t try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out ‘cause they need to know, ‘if some day I’m one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear?’ You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, “What do you think about this suit? I think I’ll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I’m walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.” – Jerry’s opening monologue from episode 14 of “Seinfeld.”
Shopping seems pretty much the same around town. Kathy (aka Shopping Leader, aka SL) and I left the house about 10:30 a.m. last Saturday after a sustaining base of pancakes and bacon. First stop, Tuesday Morning on Bowman. SL wanted some glasses, the fine dining kind. She used to have some she really liked that I got for her a couple of years ago but we seem to break one or two every year so it’s time to reload.
I watched the other despondent shoppers who were mindlessly shuffling the aisles. They all reminded me of my new favorite TV show on AMC called “The Walking Dead.”
Nothing at Tuesday Morn-ing SL liked. I bought a box of Christmas cards for $4.99. Next stop was Mid-Town. I wanted to eat when I got a whiff from Cantina Laredo, but SL said it was too expensive. “Then why are we going in Williams Sonoma?” I asked. She walked faster, not answering, leaving me, and my zombie-gait far behind. My phone rang and it was mom. “I’ll meet you in the store honey,” I said to the parking lot.
“Hey mom, what’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“Kathy and I are out shopping.”
“Oh bless your hearts.”
“Thanks. What are you doing?”
“I’m staying inside today. Have you seen that new show about the man and the woman and their kids?”
“Not sure.”
“Oh you will love it.”
“OK, well I guess I’ll get on with the shopping. Love you.”
“Now really honey, don’t get me anything. All I want is for us all to be together at Christmas.”
“And world peace,” I replied.
“What.”
Nothing. Talk to you later, love you mom.”
Now the last time someone told me not to get her anything for Christmas was an old girlfriend in college. “You’re silly, don’t get me a Christmas present,” she said. So I didn’t. Which would have been a good idea had I not liked her.
It seems the older I get the harder it is to pick out presents for people. I would just get them cash but I always remember the “Seinfeld” where Jerry gives Elaine $182 for her birthday. It didn’t go over well. Later, in the coffee shop George tells Jerry that Elaine is mad at him too because he gave Elaine $91.
Kathy was looking at some glasses in Williams Sonoma when I walked in after getting off the phone with mom. I went into my browsing look, trying to look interested over a $1,200 set of copper pans. A girl working there came over. She had a microphone in her ear and asked if I needed help.
“So copper is the thing now I guess?” I said to her.
“What’s that?”
“Copper, people are having their copper tubing stolen off their air conditioners. The thieves sell it and it’s shipped to China where they pay like a million dollars a pound for it.”
But she had someone talking to her in her headset about a real customer over in the furniture section and she was gone. I hoped it wasn’t SL.
After looking at some $800 steak knives we walked outside and back to the car. Over to my left I saw The Container Store. “Want to go in The Container Store?” I asked SL.
“No, why do you want to do that, it’s just containers.”
“Don’t you want to see what a huge store full of containers looks like - it’s like that big ball of twine in Kansas, you have to look. It’s just so, I don’t know, American.”
“Some other time perhaps,” SL told me. “I want to go to Steinmart.”
And that’s what we did but it was more of the same. We left Steinmart, both a little irritated; SL that the shopping trip wasn’t panning out and me that college football had ended so soon.
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