Disclaimer: I’m not a real estate lawyer. However, I feel completely qualified to write this post because I’ve purchased a home twice. It’s kind of like how I’m sure I could compete with professional swimmers because I know how to doggy paddle … and I’m really good at it.
Either way, I’ve deemed myself an expert on real estate transactions, and since I’m picky about who I deem experts, you should feel confident that the rest of this post is completely accurate.
My husband and I recently decided we’d like to move. We’ve come to the harsh realization that having a bedroom where only one piece of furniture fits, and sharing a very tiny bathroom may not be the best move if we plan to continue our marriage. It’s become a matter of urgency.
In looking at homes for sale, I’ve noticed there is a certain lingo that comes with navigating the abyss of MLS listings. The jargon isn’t always readily discernable and sometimes you can get duped if you don’t know how to properly read a listing. Fortunately, I’ve been able to crack the code on real estate listings and I’m ready to share it with you, mostly because I couldn’t come up with anything else to write about this week.
So without any further delay, I present to you a Lisa Henderson-Newlin original: The real estate translator.
Must see inside – The outside is bad and the inside is only slightly better.
Fixture – That hideous chandelier is now yours.
Quaint home– It’s so small it will only fit half of your furniture.
Assumable mortgage – We assume you’re an idiot.
Recently reduced! – We can’t give this thing away.
Credit report – The document that will remind you that opening 15 credit cards in law school just for the free gifts was a bad idea.
New roof – That’s the only thing that’s new.
Home inspection – Hold your breath because there’s a ton of stuff wrong with this house.
Only one owner – She lived here for 70 years and died in the kitchen.
Private Mortgage Insurance (PMI) – Your lender isn’t entirely sure you’re good for the money.
Warranty included – You’re going to need it.
Real estate agent – The person who will try to find you a home just outside of the highest end of your budget.
FHA loan – Be prepared to do nearly everything to get this loan.
Fixer upper – A licensed contractor needs to buy this house because of all the work it needs.
Truth-In-Lending – The government requires all terms of the sale to be disclosed to you in a small novel that you’ll never be able to read or understand.
Title company – A company who will charge you a lot of money for something you’re not even sure you need.
Foreclosure – They definitely didn’t scrub the baseboards or clean ANYTHING when they moved out.
Contingency – They put it on the market before realizing they had to find another place to live.
Pre-approval – A company will agree to give you a loan for an obscene interest rate that even a toddler wouldn’t agree to.
Quitclaim deed – Buyer beware. There’s probably a dead body in the basement and you’re going to have to pay to haul it away.
Appraised value – A number that’s nowhere near the price you agreed upon and will bring inspection negotiations to a halt.
Closing costs – Charges you won’t understand but will feel too stupid to ask about.
Contract pending – They might have a deal but are open to even larger offers.
Granted, this isn’t an exhaustive list, but I think it’s a great start for anyone who wants to go through the painful process of buying a new home. If you are interested in purchasing some real estate, might I suggest one tool that will help streamline the process and make it much easier: wine.
©2014 Under Analysis, LLC. Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of The Levison Group. Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a shareholder of the law firm McAnany Van Cleave and Phillips. She’s a contributing writer at NickMom, YourTango, Bustle, EliteDaily and others. She also writes a humor website, LisaNewlin.com. Contact Lisa at lhenderson@mvplaw.com or contact Under Analysis by email at comments@levisongroup.com.