Editorial
Front Page - Friday, September 17, 2010
Are we there yet?
A state of mind
Jay Edwards
I received an email last week from my friend Libby Sheard that claimed, “Men are just happier people!” It went on to give numerous reasons why this is so.
Of course, there are exceptions to everything. It is Monday morning and I’m positive there are some women out there who are happier than me at this moment, whether they are blonde, brunette or redheads, but I digress.
The first reason Libby’s e-mail says men are happier is not really a reason but an implied question – What do you expect from such simple creatures? I represent that.
Here are a few more – Your last name stays put. False. Because that is a choice in today’s world, where women are catching and passing men in the income department. (Not that there is anything wrong with that, and I wouldn’t have a problem changing my name for some hefty financial support – preferably from a brunette).
The garage is all yours. Only true because they don’t let us keep our cool stuff in the house, like say if we had a wagon-wheel coffee table, or a stuffed head of a wild boar that would look really good over the fireplace.
You can be president. Is it our fault she didn’t get the votes?
You can never be pregnant. I thought that was a happy thing.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. I don’t do water parks anymore so this one is NA; and actually, when I did do water parks, I don’t think I wore T-shirts, of any color. That makes women even more jealous.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. False.
Same work, more pay. See #2.
One mood all the time. I’ll give them that one.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. I have had messages from my wife on my voice mail that she has to call me back to finish because the allotted space was too short. She didn’t seem that unhappy about it though.
You know stuff about tanks. I do know that I had a toy one to go along with my GI Joe when I was a kid; and that they have a big gun on the front.
You can open all your own jars. That is pretty cool.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. What kind of extra credit? Tangible goods or points in the afterlife?
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Invited where? I haven’t been invited anywhere.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. How much do women pay?
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. I have more than that but have been asked by my apparently unhappier better-half not to wear my white bucks again. Oh well, it’s almost fall anyway.
You almost never have strap problems in public. Does this mean the straps we secure the car top carrier or the dead deer on with?
Everything on your face stays its original color. What does this mean?
You can play with toys all your life. Oh come on, we all know that double-door thing in the kitchen is just a large version of an Easy-Bake Oven.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife. Or your teeth if you forget your knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Not me. I grew a beard once when I was in college and Kathy didn’t even notice.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. True – but I think it was actually 27 relatives in 22 minutes. I’m a generous guy.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. Shaven or not.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. Is bald a hairstyle?
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Wrinkles? Isn’t that a stylish look these days?
Wrinkles add character. See, what did I just say?
Wedding dress - $5000. Rented tuxedo - $100. Maybe we should open a wedding dress rental shop.
The world is your urinal. Well, maybe not the world.
•••
Let’s see, what else of consequence the past week. The Hogs are 2-0, always a good thing. My friend Patti Julian, the first lady of the Arkansas Bar Association, was at the game and told everyone on Facebook she was about to go “Tailgate, Woohoo!”
My response was that I was about to go “Couchgate,” to which “Kingbossdaddy” Davis replied – “Cool, not humid, beer in the fridge. Couchgate. BOOYAH!”
Patti – “Are you people getting old or what? OK so it was a little warm and the first half was not great, but really, where is your sense of adventure?”
Good point Patti, but we are the happier sex.
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