I’ve become increasingly aware of the unfortunate truth that most people aren’t listening to me when I speak. For that matter, it doesn’t appear to me that most people are listening to what other people are saying, either.
Instead of listening thoughtfully, most of us often fall into the trap of being more concerned about when there will be a break in the conversation so we can tell our story or make our point. Even worse than simply waiting for a time to inject your wisdom is the amount of time many of us spend acting like we’re listening to someone and are doing anything but paying attention.
I read an article on listening a while back and have since attempted to pay closer attention when others talk and not spend all my energy planning what I’ll say when they finally stop talking. What I’ve learned upon reflection is that I do truly love to talk and, all too often, I find myself politely waiting my turn to show others how good I am at it.
For a guy that spends most of his time trying to persuade people, listening can be especially difficult. Of course, I’ve always loved to talk, but the realization that I’m not a particularly good listener came as a bit of a surprise. It’s not that I can’t listen effectively and pay attention, I’ve just found that it’s hard for me to do if I don’t put some effort behind it.
A major problem one encounters when listening to others are those situations in which the talker is describing an event that the listener cares nothing about. The only reason for telling the story is so the teller can relive, complain, or comment on the event, and telling the story to themselves seems strange. I know of no other group of people that’s worse about this phenomena than lawyers. That aside, no one is immune from the problems of telling meaningless stories, or from the flip side, which is failure to actively listen.
Acknowledging the problem doesn’t automatically make it go away. We all have stories or events we want to relive. They are often stories we feel we must tell if only for our own amusement. Maybe, on some level, we each have a responsibility to listen to the stories of our friends or family members so the teller can get what they need out of the story – even if all they get out of it is the joy of telling the story.
On the other hand, sometimes you just have to find a way to cut the story short. Excusing yourself for a trip to the water closet rarely fails to bring an unwanted story to an end. Maybe, the best way to minimize the time you spend listening to diatribes you’d rather not hear is to cut down the number of stories you subject others to during a conversation. The only problem with this idea is that your failure to talk opens up more time for the other person to break out in a new story. Of course, you have been drinking a lot of water, and there’s always the water closet.
If all else fails, if you don’t want to listen, stay away from people who just want to talk. Do the person a favor and cut it short. Whether I want to relive a story or not, I don’t want to tell my stories to someone who doesn’t want to hear them. If you’re going to tell the story anyway, get to the point. We all have somewhere else to be; plus, we have a story we want to tell you. That’s true for everybody, especially those of us way up in the CHEAP SEATS!
Bill James is a co-founder of the James Law Firm with offices in Little Rock, Conway and Fayetteville, Arkansas. His primary area of practice is criminal defense. He can be contacted at Bill@JamesFirm.com