Well, I survived taking William to college. Today was the first full day he has been away. I have texted him several times and have also made a few calls to him. The weight of his absence seems much greater now than it ever has. Maybe the difference can be attributed to the simple fact that I always knew he was coming home. Now, even though I know he will come home, he will only be passing through, and the knowledge that he will leave will loom over my head like a storm cloud.
Is the glass half empty or is it half full? Is this the end of an era or the beginning? It is both. I can spend my time looking back and regretting the missed opportunities of the past, or I can look forward and ensure that I do not miss them in the future. I can make sure that I am the best father I can be from this point forward to the two children left at home and the one that has moved on to the next chapter of his life.
In the 18 years I have been a father, I have tried my best to not live vicariously through my children. I tried not to interfere with the coaches when I didn’t like what they did. I have tried not to be overprotective. What I have realized in the short time that William has been gone is how much of my life is defined by my children. While there is no way to compare a child going to college with the tragedy of losing a child, it makes me realize just how bad such a loss would be.
The whole experience has twisted me up inside with emotions. I am happy, sad, proud, terrified, lonely and confused, all at the same time. There were days this summer that I did not speak to him at all. It has now been three hours since I spoke to him, and I already have an urge to call him. I know this will get better. I am sure I will look back someday and laugh. At least I don’t have to go through this again for another five years.
Perhaps the weirdest thing about all of this was how well all three of my children got along the last days leading up to William’s departure. It was almost like they realized that the life they had known together was ending and appreciated what they had. I do not recall any fights or arguments between them. They seemed very close. Of course, my perception of what was going on may have been skewed by my own emotional roller coaster.
In the end, the tough guy in me has given way to the emotional guy that first came around the day William was born during my third year in law school. I hope the sadness goes away, but I also hope I will remember how important it is to enjoy every minute. Once they are gone, they are gone.
I am one step closer to sitting on the porch and watching my children live their lives. It will come one day soon, probably before I am ready. One thing is for sure: it will be a great show. If only everyone was so lucky way up in the CHEAP SEATS!
Bill James is a criminal defense lawyer and co-founder of the James Law Firm, with offices in Little Rock, Conway, and Fayetteville, Ark. He may be reached at Bill@JamesFirm.com.