Many pediatric professionals repeatedly hear the complaint, “My mother completely spoils my child. What can I do?”
Grandparents have earned the right to be tolerant, loving and supportive without having to discipline and instruct the way parents must. Nevertheless, how much is too much? Grandparents must respect their children as the parents.
This grandparent pickle is quite common, and unless it is causing problems within the family, I would say is kind of a nice one to have. After all, some children don’t have any doting grandparents around, which has its own array of problems. Grandparents are people whose job in life is to spoil the grandchildren.
However, this is a good question. The parents are trying to raise their child in a nurturing and mature manner. So how do you handle a grandparent who allows your children to act so differently than what you have worked to instill? Do parents and grandparents need to be on the same page with regard to the management and discipline of the children?
Children are very clever at “code switching,” something doctors describe as recognizing different settings and different people that require different behaviors, and modify their behavior accordingly. They show restraint in one setting and let it all hang out in another. An example: when he or she is at grandma’s house, there are no rules. Their actions and temper run rampant. However, once back home, it doesn’t take long for them to realize they’re back in “this is mom and dad, and I can’t stomp my feet or scream at the top of my lungs in disagreement” mode.
So how much should you overlook for the sake of keeping peace in the family?
It depends on your child’s personality and your parental priorities. Children with difficult personalities - the ones that even mom and dad have problems dealing with - will probably fare better if there is a consistent level of discipline. Conflicting discipline would be difficult for the child to understand.
This is true even in the home. For the child to ask dad for something and be turned down and then find mom and get approval causes conflict and confusion, not only with the child but also within the marriage.
However, some children naturally have a better understanding of life, and are quite controllable without much fuss. This is when you need to rethink the freewheeling behavior grandma allows.
If keeping your child on a napping routine is high on your list of priorities, yet he or she never naps at grandma’s, then you should address the situation. Some children can’t handle less sleep, so you would want to talk with the grandparents and explain how grumpy he or she gets without enough sleep.
If eating candy or sweets is something you insist shouldn’t be done, yet grandpa has a sucker stash, then suggest substituting them with a sugar-free candy.
The main causes of spoiled children are leniency and permissiveness, not setting limits, and parents giving in to tantrums just to keep them quiet. Or maybe they don’t want to hurt their child’s feelings.
Attention from a grandparent is excessive if it interferes with the limits the parents have set, or a child learning to do things for him or herself and deal with life’s frustrations.
When deliberating what to do with an undesirable situation, consider everyone’s needs. Our society tends to devalue the older generation. All grandparents - the punishing kind, the spoiling kind, and those in between - need to be valued and have a role in the lives of their family members.
Grandparents are notorious for overindulging their precious little angels (I am SO guilty!), and parents often worry that this will undercut their own child-rearing efforts. However, grandma and grandpa’s treats, no matter how frequent, are just another sign that they are cherished.