Kathy and I were having lunch Monday, and she was telling me something and I didn’t quite get it, which caused her to comment, “You don’t listen,” which caused our young waitress, who was listening, to grin. Later, back at work, I ran across an old email, which caused me to grin.
Differences between women and men:
1. Names
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
(This is true, but I can’t repeat any of my friend’s nicknames here)
2. Eating out
When the bill arrives, Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. (Not so here – maybe I need a new lunch crew.)
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
(This one seems about right – except at lunch.)
4. Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
(Besides a towel, my soap also is from the Marriott.)
5. Arguments
A woman has the last word in every argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
(And they complain we never talk.)
6. Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
(I like cats and would only kick one in self-defense.)
7. Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
(Got to pay for all those lunches and toiletries somehow.)
8. Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
(But in a good way – right, guys?)
9. Dressing up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
(Some of the guys were even casual at the last wedding I attended – they are also the ones with the best nicknames.)
10. Natural
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
(I thought about deleting this one but left it in so I could say I really don't think most men my age look that great evening or morning. As for the ladies – you are soooooo good-looking!)
11. Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
(But only when they walk in front of the TV – or pull on that lovable cat’s tail.)
12. Thought for the day
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.