College football kicks off in 70-something days, so forgive me if my mind is jumping ahead. I’ve even caught myself watching some of that classic college football on cable recently.
A sharp-tongued and very sarcastic friend of mine in the newspaper business in Northwest Arkansas, Bob Caudle, used to keep notes on his favorite coachspeak. He accumulated quite a thick notebook over the years as a sportswriter before finally moving over to the news side of things so he could start over with a new set of notes on politicians.
Coachspeak reached its height during the Danny Ford era at Arkansas. Following a surprisingly close victory the day before over lowly Memphis during an SEC West Division title run in 1985, Ford did his usual Sunday press conference in a very informal setting in his office with three of us – myself, Bob Holt and Nate Allen. (It’s funny, but the now famous quote that came out of that little meeting is claimed to have been heard first-hand by dozens.)
Holt asked Ford what Memphis had done to keep the Razorbacks off balance. Ford answered, ‘Aw, just some things you wouldn’t understand.”
Holt responded, “Well, try me.”
Ford said, “Aw, it don’t take no scientific rocket to figure it out.”
I remember looking across the table at Allen, thinking, ‘Please Nate, don’t laugh because I’ll lose it.’
Ford was the champion of the double negatives. I once heard him yelling at the players as they prepared to run wind sprints at the end of a practice, “Alright, don’t nobody not make it.” I’m pretty sure I know what he intended for that to mean, but have no idea whatsoever as to what the words actually mean.
Then again, those were fun days covering the Razorbacks. Nolan Richardson talked about a player that could shoot with either hand. He was “amphibious,” Richardson told us, which had Caudle poking me during the press conference and whispering, “That’ll come in handy if we play Mississippi State under water.”
The other day I heard a national radio guy talking about some team’s offensive line and how it was going to be better than anything since sliced bread, which, because I’ve been around Caudle too long, had me wondering just how good sliced bread’s offensive line must have been. And just where is sliced bread? Is it anywhere near Stony Brook? (Yes, I had to Google that during the NCAA baseball regionals.)
Caudle has poked fun at other coaches over the years using the standard clichés such as:
“That boy’s got a good arm.” (Does that mean his other arm is bad?)
“He’s got a great pair of hands.” (Hands in general come in pairs.)
“He’s got a nose for the football.” (We don’t know how he breathes.)
“He takes care of anything coming at him.” (Yeah, but if it’s a foot to either side, it’s gone.)
“He can really throw the football.” (Sometimes he throws it end over end and to no one in particular.)
“He’ll do anything we ask him to do.” (Usually, we ask him to go get the tee after the kickoff.)
“I wish we had 11 more just like him.” (I bet his parents don’t.)
“They can beat anybody on any given night.” (We’ll pencil in a night in 2018.)
“He has a cannon for an arm.” (Mentioning that attribute first usually means he has an iron ball for a brain.)
I think Caudle has it all figured out when he says that receivers that are said to run routes well usually have trouble catching the football. And receivers that can catch the football but can’t run routes well are usually defensive backs.
And my favorite: “He runs well for his size.” (Of course, for their size, dinosaurs ran well.”