Twenty nine years ago, I graduated from high school. One week ago, my oldest son graduated from high school. All of a sudden, I feel very old. I have several friends that graduated high school with me that had children graduate years ago and already have grandchildren. That doesn’t make me feel any better, nor does it make me feel any younger. It really just makes me feel just the same - old.
Could it be that what I really feel is sadness? How is it that my baby boy is now four inches taller than me and, by all definitions a man? There was a time when I could hold him in one hand! People always warn you how fast it goes by and how quickly they grow up. When he was little, it was hard to imagine him big. Now that he is big, I can barely remember him little.
In reality, maybe I feel a little jealous. Jealous of the excitement he must be feeling regarding graduation and moving on to college. Maybe I am jealous of the endless possibilities that he has spread out in front of him and the very few barriers that stand in his way to do whatever he wants. Maybe I am jealous of his ability to run around with his friends every night without the weight of responsibility getting him home to get to bed early.
Part of my problem is disappointment. Not a shred of disappointment in William, but disappointment in myself. When it is all said and done, my performance as a father to this point has been pretty mediocre. I like to think I tried to do well but, looking back, I should have done much better. While I feel confident that, in many ways, he had a much better life than I had growing up, his childhood compared to mine is not the test. The test is did I show him the love and attention he needed growing up? Was I there for him and did he feel secure? The only thing that makes up for my perceived shortcomings is the fact he has a fantastic mother that made up in all areas in which I failed.
In his final year of high school, William started on an undefeated state champion football team, he landed the role of the “Wizard of Oz” in the play of the same name, he had a poem published in the school’s annual literary publication and received an award in band. His high school experience all sort of peaked at the right time. Maybe it is just another example of the cream rising to the top.
As we sat through he graduation ceremony last week, a scholarship was given to the student who most appropriately fit the definition of a “Renaissance Man.” As the description of the requirements for the scholarship were read aloud, it was as if they were describing William – and they were. Getting the scholarship was a fitting ending to a great high school experience. As I stood up and yelled congratulations, I was filled with a mixed bag of emotions. Mostly, I was just proud.
You see, what I really am is proud. There is no other word for it. No matter what my shortcomings might be as a father, he overcame them and has succeeded in becoming a man. I have often said that he is everything I am and everything I am not. I look forward to watching him succeed in the future. I will try to improve as a father and, if nothing else, let him know how proud I am of him at every occasion. It is important to let the people you love know how you feel. That is especially true for those of us way up in the CHEAP SEATS!
Bill James is a Criminal Defense Lawyer and co founder of the James Law Firm with offices in Little Rock, Conway, and Fayetteville, Arkansas. He may be contacted at Bill@JamesFirm.com.