Two weeks ago, I presented a list of my favorite things about the movie “The Avengers.” Now I will offer a list of the things I liked the least about “Battleship,” a massive creative misfire. Unlike “The Avengers,” which drew record crowds during its opening weekend, hardly anyone has seen “Battleship.” I hope this review resolves any indecision you have about seeing it.
1. The bad guys: The Hasbro board game on which the movie is based has no back-story, so director Peter Berg and his writers were free to cook up one from scratch. On the surface, their idea is good: In response to a signal mankind sends to a distant planet with the ability to support life, aliens travel to Earth, presumably with the intent of wiping us out and setting up house. But something was lost in the execution. When four alien ships splash down in the ocean near international naval exercises, their actions initially do not appear to be hostile. Berg shows several point-of-view shots from inside the alien helmets, and the 3D mapping that appears over objects such as people, weapons and vehicles turns from green to red when something is a threat. When something is green, the aliens leave it alone. They only pull out their guns once we fire on them. As a result, for most of the movie, their motivations are unclear.
2. Taylor Kitsch: Kitsch is having a bad year. First, “John Carter,” which cost a reported $200 million to make, bombed at the box office, leaving Disney with a $100 million-plus loss on its balance sheet. That’s the kind of money that sends heads rolling. Now “Battleship” has steamed into theaters with a budget close to that of “John Carter.” And it made less during its opening weekend than Disney’s magnum flopus. That’s the kind of one-two punch that ends careers.
I feel badly for Kitsch, as the failures of these projects are not entirely his fault. “John Carter” wasn’t a bad movie, but its story, based on classic pulp science novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs, failed to hook modern audiences. And “Battleship” has more problems than a different lead actor could have fixed. Still, Kitsch delivered a stiff and unconvincing performance in both movies.
In “Battleship,” he plays Alex Hopper, a talented but undisciplined slacker who winds up in the Navy, where he shows promise but also a lack of regard for the rules. After a fistfight with a Japanese private during the naval exercises, Hooper is scheduled to be booted from the Navy, which could cost him the hand of the beautiful Samantha, the daughter of Hopper’s admiral. Fortunately for him, the alien invasion gives him an opportunity to save the Earth.
This week, I visited the set of the movie “42,” which is filming in Chattanooga. It tells the story of Jackie Robinson, the first African American to become a major league baseball player. When I arrived, I was surprised to see the seats at Engel Stadium filled with mannequins dressed in ‘40s garb. Those mannequins probably delivered a more lifelike performance than Kitsch does in “Battleship.”
3. The ending: Wow. Just wow. I have seen some bad endings to movies, but the concluding moments of “Battleship” have to go down as among the dumbest. Berg takes the battle against the aliens, which occurs within a force field bubble several miles in diameter, to the point where the naval ships cannot win, and then pulls a rabbit out of his hat that made my jaw drop. Words cannot be combined to describe the sheer, desperate stupidity of it. While I am all for honoring our military veterans, there are better ways of paying our respects than having them appear in a bad movie.
I suppose some readers might think I’m being too harsh. Two hundred million dollars buys a lot of great looking special effects, so when it comes to visuals, “Battleship” delivers. And fans should have fun picking out the film’s references to the board game. If you enjoy dumb fun - and there’s nothing wrong with that - “Battleship” might be up your alley. But don’t say I didn’t warn you about the ending.
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and destruction, and for language. One star out of four. Email David Laprad at dlaprad@hamiltoncountyherald.com.