“Something Borrowed” is going to be hard to review, as it didn’t provide me with much ammunition for shooting it down, nor does it have any qualities worth praising, save one. It just exists for two hours and then fades to black. To keep from falling asleep, I focused on how much its stars resemble a young Sally Field and a younger Tom Cruise.
It’s uncanny. I kept expecting the terminally single Rachel to blurt out to Dex, “I like you! I really like you!” And I kept thinking the object of her secret affection would hop up on the nearest couch and shout out his love for her while jumping up and down like a mad monkey.
Alas, nothing that remotely interesting takes place. Instead, “Something Borrowed” thrusts viewers into the cog work of a by-the-numbers romantic comedy. Feelings slowly boil to the surface, lovelorn losers agonize over the impossibility of things ever working out, and, well, you know the rest.
The biggest problem with the so-called drama in “Something Borrowed” is it’s unnecessary. Rachel and Dex meet and fall in love in law school, when neither of them is attached. They’re smart, good looking, and they have the world in their hip pockets, yet they’re too shy to ask, “Would you like to get a cup of coffee?” Essentially, they hide their feelings because that’s what the screenplay tells them to do.
“Something Borrowed” actually opens a few years later, with Dex engaged to Rachel’s best friend since childhood, Darcy. We know Rachel and Darcy are BFFs because Darcy gives a slideshow on the history of their relationship during Rachel’s 30th birthday party. You know a movie is struggling creatively when it explains the plot in a PowerPoint presentation.
However, I perked up every time Darcy appeared. As played by Kate Hudson, she’s the most interesting character in “Something Borrowed.” True, she’s a boozy, oversexed party girl, and she suffers from a terminal case of arrested development, but she also allows Hudson to deliver a performance that transcends the mediocrity of the rest of the movie.
I’m used to seeing Hudson play slightly ditzy but likable characters. Darcy embodies those same qualities on the surface, but in subtle ways, she’s also controlling, oblivious to the feelings of other people, and, quite frankly, an alcoholic. Hudson doesn’t overplay those traits, but spreads them thinly across the movie, like a layer of butter on a piece of bread.
In essence, Hudson produces the only real character in “Something Borrowed,” and for the first time in the movies in which I have seen her, she allows herself to be somewhat unlikeable and even unattractive. She takes a risk, and it pays off.
The rest of “Something Borrowed,” however, plods along predictably. Rachel and Dex eventually have a meeting of the minds, the lips, and a couple of others things, which only makes them miserable. Rachel is shocked to discover she’s capable of stabbing Darcy in the back, and while Dex comes to life, he also feels trapped by what others expect him to do.
Screenwriter Jennie Snyder is not above employing cheap tactics to make sure Rachel and Dex marinate in their misery. Her worst ploy is giving Dex’s mother cancer, and then allowing her to feel better because she’s looking forward to the wedding. What son would break his mother’s heart if it meant she’d die of a terminal disease?
As Rachel and Dex went back and forth – fighting their feelings, and then stealing away for tête-à-têtes, and then swearing off the affair, only to text each other moments later – and as Rachel tried to maintain the illusion of being the perfect bridesmaid, I mentally fast-forwarded to the inevitable moment when Darcy learns the truth.
That scene is at the heart of “Something Borrowed,” and once it becomes obvious that’s where things are headed, the rest is filler. For instance, Snyder provides Rachel with a close male friend who serves as an ear for listening and, ostensibly, as comedy relief. Most of his scenes involve him either condemning Rachel’s behavior or pretending to be gay to ward off the aggressive advances of a woman he doesn’t like. The subplot fizzles, although actor John Krasinski does draw a good laugh out of a scene in which Ethan pretends to come on to another man while the woman watches.
I guess “Something Bor-rowed” did give me plenty of ammunition for shooting it down. However, it’s not without charm, and there’s something comforting in walking alongside its characters as they navigate a familiar path. I also liked the bravery Snyder showed in the last scene, which I will leave to you to discover. Don’t rush to the theater to see it, though, because at best, “Something Borrowed” is a rental when there’s nothing better to watch.
Rated PG-13 for sexual content, including dialogue, and some drug material. Two stars out of four. Email David Laprad at dlaprad@hamiltoncountyherald.com.