Captain and Tennille were wrong: love does not keep people together. Rather, the relationships that last are those in which both partners feel like they’re on the same team, says Dr. Carol Kutchins, a couples therapist in Chattanooga.
“A lot of people who love each other are divorced,” she says.
If that’s the case, then “a lot of people” don’t get the team concept. According to a report released in 2009 by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, about one million U.S. marriages ended in divorce in 2008. So, where’s the disconnect? If all it takes is a little cooperation to keep two people together, then marriage should be slam-dunk, right?
Wrong again, says Hutch-ins.
“Life is getting in the way. We have so much more on our plates than our brains were designed to handle. Think about the history of the world, and then think about trying to manage making a grocery list, planning a menu, taking the kids to their games, and paying the bills – the human brain was not made to handle all of those things.
“Our brains were designed to make sure we have enough food and water. So all of a sudden, we’re not just dealing with our primal functions, we’re trying manage sophisticated to-do lists, and that keeps us from being connected to another person,” Kutchins says.
The kneejerk reaction of most couples is to commit themselves to creating balance. The husband and father who’s trying to make partner at the law firm will promise to spend more weekends at home, and the wife and mother who’s juggling two kids and a budding real estate career will pledge to cook every night and shut off her cell phone during dinner.
But there’s a problem with this approach: Creating balance simply becomes one more thing on the to-do list that doesn’t get done. And then bad things happen.
“Once our connection is injured, resentment starts to build up, and I begin to question whether or not I picked the right person,” Kutchins says. At that point, the human brain begins to look for things that support its theories (Kutchins calls this “confirmation bias”), and as time goes on, the wounded parties become less and less likely to talk with each other. And then suddenly, they’re not on the same team anymore.
Kutchins has a better idea: embrace the imbalance, and find ways to stay connected within it.
“The problem isn’t that one person works too much; the problem is the other person doesn’t feel important. So one thing I tell couples to do is meet over the weekend for about ten minutes and ask each other two things about the upcoming week: When can I get some time alone with you? And how can I help you? Do we need to switch cars because you need an oil change? Do I need to take the child to the dentist? That’s a forum for staying on the same team,” Kutchins says.
Kutchins says couples also need to learn each other’s “love language,” a concept pioneered by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.” Essentially, a person’s love language consists of the things he or she perceives as being expressions of love.
“If you’re really touched by a compliment that reminds you of how important you are to me, then I’m not going to pull a muscle by telling you how much I appreciate you. Or if affection really touches you, then I’m going to drop by your office and give you a big kiss,” she says.
While crazy busy people might be relieved to hear a little attention can go a long way in a relationship, Kutchins is not letting workaholics entirely off the hook. Sometimes, people do need to cut back on some things, she says.
“If you want to be the No. 1 person on Wall Street, then you’re going to have a frenzied lifestyle. Should you re-evaluate your priorities? Yes, but I’m less concerned with doing that than I am with staying connected to each other in the mayhem we’ve created,” she says.
Finally, Kutchins says couples need to set goals together.
“When you’re running a family, you’re running a business, which means you have to communicate about where you see yourselves going. Then you can set your compass for where you want to go, and if you get off course, then you’ll know something is wrong.”
So remember: huge demonstrations of love don’t keep couples connected; small things done regularly do. Take a few minutes to curl up on the couch and listen to music together. Just remember: when the Beatles sang, “All you need is love,” they didn’t have a clue. Queen, however, might have been on to something when they sang, “We are the champions!”
Go team!