The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. ~Sid Caesar
Kathy had a flat last week. We called AAA had they had her car towed to my favorite mechanic. Then I was told the bad news the next day that the wheel was bent and I needed another. OK, do it. Then it was also recommended I buy another new tire, so I would have two new ones on the front. Made sense.
Late that afternoon, around rush hour time, Kathy picked up her car and was driving it towards my office downtown. She had nearly passed the Deaf School on Markham when she noticed something bad happening. You might even say very bad. She glanced to her left and saw that her left wheel, with its new tire, was passing her. When you look out your car window and see a wheel passing you, it’s not good. But when that wheel is one of your own, your problem grows exponentially.
It’s like this – wheels on a car are a good thing; they are what I might call vital to your transportation needs. So when one of them decides to go off on his own, then everything else going on with your little roadster becomes pretty moot.
It’s also important for us, as humans and with somewhat more intelligence than say, wheels or coconuts, to remember to secure the wheels to the rotor. That is done with these strong metal things called nuts. That way, if you do get a rogue wheel with adventure in his rubber it won’t be a big deal, he’ll be pretty well stuck with you, and the other three. And you can’t just put the nuts on, where they look good and secure; they must be tightened, very important piece of the puzzle.
Remember when Ralphie was helping the old man change the tire and the nuts flew into the air before his horrified eyes? Well when Kathy’s horrified eyes saw her wheel passing her on Markham she probably didn’t say “Fudge” either.
This has a happy ending. She was able to turn onto a side street rather quickly and her naughty wheel’s life on the run came to a quiet end on the lawn of the Deaf School.
•••
After getting Kathy and leaving her car behind with our still favorite and now humble mechanic, we went to The Oyster Bar, where the ice-cold drafts, grilled Mahi-Mahi po-boys and chicken gumbo, made the unpleasant escaping tire incident more tolerable. Later that night we told the story to our friend Michael. He said that when he was living in Houston he was driving on one of the ten-lane four-story expressways through town when a wheel came off of an 18-wheeler near him. He watched the wheel as it pulled up next to him and while it made him nervous he couldn’t make himself slow down or look away. After all, you don’t see that every day.
Then, Michael said the wheel hit something that sent it airborne and over the railing to the lanes of traffic below. “That isn’t good,” Michael thought to himself. He pulled over, got out of his car and peered over the railing. He saw the giant wheel bouncing high and around the swerving motorists, and watched it as it bounced away into the Texas sunset.
There was a movie that came out in 2010 called “Rubber.” It’s a horror comedy film about a tire named Robert that comes to life and kills people with its psychic powers.
So I guess we should take all this seriously.