Editorial
Front Page - Friday, November 27, 2009
Are We There Yet?
It’s all real (really)
Jay Edwards
Well it looks as though my luck has changed. Check out one of the e-mails I’ve been receiving lately from a secret benefactor named Rose. I’m not sure how she knows me. But who am I to question the fortunes of fate?
“Dearest special soul (she always calls me that)
My husband and I were married for 18 years with a daughter who later died in a motor accident. My sweet husband also suffered an untimely death. Since then, I decided not to remarry or get another child outside my matrimonial home.
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (US$2.5M)(Two Million, Five hundred Thousand United States Dollar) in a General Trust Account with a prime bank in Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire (this is where I come in).
Presently, this money is still with the bank. Recently, following my ill health, my doctor told me that I might not last for the next eight months due to my cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness (poor Rose).
Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to someone that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein, according to the desire of my late husband before his death. I want this fund to be used in activities like orphanages and schools. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not good people (lucky for me). Please send me your social security number and the bank account number where you would like this deposited.
All my love,
Rose”
Sounds pretty good huh? I’m thinking I’ll open that orphanage in the Bahamas.
•••
The following were taken off actual police car videos around the U.S.
#12 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
#11 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
#10 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides and eat cotton candy and corn dogs.”
#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”
#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 “You didn’t think we gave tickets to pretty women? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
•••
Why men are never printed in Dear Abby.
Dear Abby:
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
There are the usual signs... Like when I answer the phone and the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names, she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. And I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of it just around the corner. I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Larry
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