To begin with, how does someone even become a heckler? Do they evolve to become what they are? Or do they march from the womb with an already highly developed moral conscience, outrage, and sense of civic duty?
Maybe it’s just something they’ve repressed from the Sixties.
I’m somewhat more confused by the weekday hecklers than those you find protesting on a Saturday. Don’t these people have jobs? Or perhaps they do, and still have to ask off like the rest of us. Can’t you see them going into their boss:
Heckler: “Excuse me, boss, but I need the afternoon off.”
Boss: “What’s going on? You got a doctor’s appointment?”
Heckler: “No, that’s not it.”
Boss: “One of your kids got the lead in the school play?”
Heckler: :Uh, no, that’s not it, either.”
Boss: “Well, speak up, man! Why do you need the rest of the day off?”
Heckler: “Well, that [insert any name hear deserving of public outrage] is showing up down at the jail later on, and I thought I’d go down there with some of the guys from accounting and scream obscenities at him for awhile.”
Boss: “Well, why didn’t you say so? No problem! Have a good time.”
•••
The following were taken off actual police car videos around the US:
“Relax. The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
“I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
“You didn’t think we gave tickets to pretty women? You’re right; we don’t. Sign here.”
•••
Why men are never printed in Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
There are the usual signs, like when I answer the phone and the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names, she always says, “Just some friends from work. You don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. And I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of it just around the corner. I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was, and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and asked why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. Deep down, I just don’t want to know the truth. Still, last night, she went out again, and I decided to really check on her.
I decided to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Larry