Editorial
Front Page - Friday, January 15, 2010
The Critic's Corner
David Laprad
Some great movies hit theaters in 2009. I wrote about several of those releases last week in an attempt to guide your rental choices in the days ahead. But for every beautiful and polished gem, there was a lump of coal so misshapen and soiled, it made going to see a film last year something of a crapshoot.
Therefore, in the spirit of balance, I’m publishing a list of my least favorite movies of 2009. Instead of encouraging you to rent these cinematic stinkers, however, I hope to steer you away from them. I doubt I’ll impact your choices, though, as a few of these films were hits, and a legion of critics are calling one of the movies one of the year’s best.
So take this catalog of grievances for what it is: My humble opinion, which I believe is worth at least the price of the wood pulp on which it’s printed.
The first month of each new year is the traditional dumping ground for the worst films, and last year was no exception. What possessed Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson, both gifted actors, to star in “Bride Wars?” Even more inexplicable were their awkward performances.
January also saw the release of “Taken,” in which a man with a talent for finding and hurting people rescues his daughter from kidnappers. Rather than relying on his skills, however, he locates her with the help of glaring conveniences (he finds one of the kidnappers five minutes after landing in Paris), and absurd action scenes. (He cooks a roomful of bad guys with the steam coming from a pipe to which his wrists are bound.)
When I went to include “Madea Goes to Jail” on this list, I realized I might be confusing that film with “I Can Do Bad All By Myself,” so I’m throwing them both in here. Tyler Perry has his heart in the right place with his comedic dramas, but his filmmaking and storytelling skills are clumsy and amateurish. He strikes a chord with audiences, though, because both films were quite popular.
A lot of people liked “Watchmen,” too, but I walked out of the lavish and admittedly daring graphic novel adaptation, unable to sit through the scene of a middle-aged man graphically pummeling a young girl.
I did make it through “Race to Witch Mountain,” a reboot of the Disney classic starring The Rock, though I nodded off for long periods of time. In the interest of fairness, I tried watching it a second time, but still couldn’t stay awake. If there were an Oscar for the most boring movie of 2009, “Witch Mountain” would be the odds on favorite.
There’s nothing boring about “Observe and Report,” but there’s nothing redeeming about it, either. Imagine “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” on drugs. I hated this movie. HATED it. If you like your films nihilistic, disgusting and perverted, however, it’ll be right up your alley.
“The Hangover” was a big hit, but I recoiled from its adolescent humor, too. Unlike “Observe and Report,” however, I could understand why people liked it. Imagine waking up in Vegas with a missing tooth, a woman claiming she’s your wife, a tiger in the bathroom and no memory of what happened the night before! Unfortunately, the movie is all setup and no payoff.
The creators of “Twilight Saga: New Moon” didn’t even bother to establish their characters or storyline. If you missed the first “Twilight,” you’re not only fortunate, you’ll also be lost in this brainless morass of vampire soap opera dreck. I’d rather walk through a lightning storm on stilts with forks clenched between my teeth than watch this movie again. I guess I’d better polish my silver because the next “Twilight” movie comes out in June.
I don’t think we’ll see a “Ninja Assassin” sequel, though, and that’s a shame because it falls into the “so bad, it’s good” category. In one scene set in a fortress on a secluded mountain, a cabal of ninja gathers together to decide the fate of the film’s main character. All of a sudden, helicopters appear overhead, an armored truck bursts through the main gate and soldiers drop over the walls to attack the ninja. Did no one hear these guys coming?
Since I’m running out of space, I’m going to provide you with a quick rundown of other 2009 films that robbed viewers of their hard-earned entertainment dollars: “All About Steve” (embarrassing); “Gamer” (inept); “Pandorum” (incomprehensible); “The Invention of Lying” (misguided); “Couples Retreat” (hackneyed); “The Stepfather” (predictable); “The Men Who Stare at Goats” (pointless); and “Precious” (overrated).
I didn’t see “Land of the Lost,” “Year One,” “Saw IV” or “Old Dogs,” but critics and audiences agree you’d be better off renting something else.
Here’s hoping 2010 provides more movies for last week’s list and fewer for this week’s.
E-mail David Laprad at dlaprad@hamiltoncountyherald
.com.
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